I’m deeply inspired by Yogi Berra and Oscar Wilde and the funniest guy I know, my dad. I’ve decided to write down my own sayings and thoughts.
- Make America Great Again by covering it in a mile of ice like it was during the Pleistocene Epoch
- It’s easier to feel better then other people than it is to feel better about myself
- Rich wife, happy life
- I do Spring cleaning all year round.
- I can always get other people to agree that I’m a genius, but only with a laugh.
- The best way to handle multiple projects at once is to do them one at a time.
- Life is a game of make believe
- I believe in the value of hard work. As long as someone else is doing it.
- It’s easy to say, “I knew that was going to happen.” It’s much harder to say, “I know what’s going to happen.”
- I use the phrase, “Virtue Signaling,” to let people know that I want them to think I’m smart.
- What supplement do I need to take to make me motivated to exercise?
- I never have enough time to waste
- I’ve been making stuff up for over a hundred years.
- Everything is true, but some things are truer than others.
- If you set your goals low enough, you can achieve anything.
- I understand the other side’s perspective, and I still think they’re wrong.
- The best way to seem like a good person, is to be a good person. The second best way is to not get caught.
- The only people who “agree to disagree” are people who are wrong and know it.
- I’ll stop making excuses as soon as I find the time.
- If less is more, then I have nothing.
- I’m normalizing being weird. By the time I’m done, both will cease to be a concept.
- Every compliment I receive further proves that I’m perfect in every way. Every criticism proves my lack of worth.
- I define truth as what ever I decide it is.
- I need a $800 clothes rack. Should I buy a stationary bicycle or a treadmill?
- I hate when people assume they understand what I mean, but not in the way you think.
- I believe I am uniquely qualified to be a coach because I’m always encouraging others to do their best, but have no intention of doing so myself.
- If other people are wrong, it’s because they’re naive. If I’m wrong, it’s because I’m mistaken.
- I only disagree with people that are wrong.
- Lord let me be a hedonist in the good times, a stoic in the bad times, and a sceptic to know the difference.
- I have a small family. The tallest person is only 5’8″.
- I keep telling people to not do what I tell them, but they won’t listen to me!
- It’s important to update your goals based on what you’ve accomplished.
- Some people are insufferable. Not me! I’m very sufferable. People suffer me all the time!
- No matter what happens, I always make sure to say, “I knew that was going to happen.”
- Big Brother knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
- I’m always trying to fix things; even things that aren’t broken. It’s become a real problem in my life.
- There are some things best left unsaid. But what they are, I don’t know. No one will tell me.
- People who think they can time the stock market should try buying car insurance on the day before they get in a car accident.
- Everyone in America is entitled to Life, Liberty, or the Pursuit of Happiness.
- The buses in America run like clock work. They’re on time twice a day.
- I plan on thinking long term in the future.
- I’m a no belt, no suspenders kinda guy
- I’m gonna teach my kids that STEM stands for Sanitatiom, Teaching, Entertainment, and Management,
- There are no women in sanitation engineering yet no one is crying fowl of discrimination.
- I’m five half baker’s dozen years old.
- They say honey attracts more flies than honey, but BS attracts them most of all.
- I’m worried there’s not enough women trying to take over the world.
- I’ve used motivated reasoning my whole life. I can’t see any reason to stop now.
- People who are “Pro-Life” should stop using anti-bacterial hand sanitizer. People who are “Pro-Choice” should support free market capitalism.
- I will change who I am for you. Unless you don’t want me to, then I won’t.
- Not everything that has a price has value, and not everything that has value has a price.
- Fortune favors the bold and the living.
- I keep getting ads for ad-blockers. How do I block them?
- If you don’t preface your question with, “And be honest…” How do I know if I should be honest?
- What plastic surgery should I get to make me kinder and more caring, more patient and understanding, more compassionate and authentic? What kind of lift will help me love deeper and live fuller?
- Similies are metaphors. Metaphors are like similies.
- I’m so selfless, I don’t even believe in the self.